I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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