dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
