No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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