Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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