where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
