Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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