I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
