I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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