Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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