ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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