she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
