Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dear god my vagina.
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