My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
