Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
