If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
