he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
