So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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