I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
