i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
