break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
