cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
