well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
