this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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