be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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