cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
not ubering you a puppy
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
