Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
