somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize