You made me cry and you don't even care
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
