Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
