Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
