If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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