Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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