i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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