i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize