Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if only i could text you this smell
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
