I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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