as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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