Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
