Already got asked if we're dating
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
