there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
