The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
