How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
