11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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