if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
