and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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