ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
