just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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