really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
