I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
