I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
