Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
