..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
