wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it's not cheating when I paid for it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
