How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
