she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she told me i tasted like america
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
