I think I won the penis lottery.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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