: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
