Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize