How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
