Ambien. No doubt about it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
