if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is wine microwaveable?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
