don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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