Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
