Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
