Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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